TV Freak Scott Goodings is crazy about TV. Scott's first TV memory is an
episode of "Matlock Police" called "A Piece Of Cake". His first experience of
the medium in colour was seeing a Hector The Cat road safety commercial through
the window of the CBA bank in Cheltenham in 1975. Catch his regular reviews at
Quickflix
.
Animated Villains
Just because they're drawn or are on strings doesn't make them any less
threatening.
Most of them are still out to ruin everything we hold dear.
In extreme cases, it's even worse – some are even out to destroy TELEVISION!
Gadzooks!
Send them to the chair, I'll flick the switch!
Did you hug your television today?
- Scott
Dick Dastardly and sniggering 'sassa frassin' sidekick Muttley
Check out the episode "Idaho A Go Go" on
Wacky Races-Series 1 (1968)
In his old fashioned racing gear of long violet overcoat, red gloves and
striped hat with racing goggles, looking every bit the mustachioed bad guy from
the silent film era who'd tie women to railway tracks, Dick Dastardly sets
about sabotaging the chances of the other racers any wicked way he can. Dressed
as a Yeti, spraying slow motion gas, constructing detour signs and painting
'tunnels' on mountain sides, he once almost legitimately won a race, only to be
overtaken on the line when he stopped to pose for a photo for an admirer.
'Drat, drat and double drat'. Previously when dressed as an alligator he was
amorously pursued by a lipstick wearing long eyelashed female reptile, but in
"Idaho A Go Go" an angry bovine sees nothing romantic in Dick's attempt to
distract the other drivers by donning a cow suit.
Boris Badenov and Natasha Fatale (not forgetting Fearless Leader)
Check out "Metal-Munching Mice" on
Rocky & Bullwinkle-Season 2 - Disc 5 (2004)
'Must catch moose and squirrel...' Frostbite Falls, Minnesota in the only town
in the world that has more TV sets than people, making it a sitting duck for
the six foot high metal mice who are destroying their TV antennae, and closing
in on their TV transmitters. 'Our lives are ruined (without TV'), cry the
citizens of the Falls. Forced to watch blank screens or clothes spinning in a
Laundromat, 'can Mankind conceive of a greater terror?' So far the latest plan
to destroy the USA coming from Pottsylvania's Boris, Natasha and Fearless
Leader is working a treat – shut down TV, then the country will be finished,
and the people will desert. Rocky and Bullwinkle are enlisted to drive the mice
away, but that Pied Piper of Frostbite Falls they've employed, Mr. Chasemoff,
looks remarkably like Boris. Watch this DVD the way creator Jay Ward always
urged narrator William Conrad to read his lines: 'Faster! Faster! Faster!'
The Solenoid Robots
Check out the episode "TV Crisis" on
Roger Ramjet - Disc 1 (1965)
For Roger Ramjet and the American Eagle Squadron, it's usually gangsters like
Noodles Romanoff and his No-Goods that pose the most serious threat. But
'tumbling turbojets – it's a robot!' Actually, it's a whole pack of them. The
Solenoid Robots have arrived on Earth. 'Be alarmed – we are taking over your
country', they warn. Be alarmed!? Is this a job for ex-"Today" show host Steve
Leibmann and his fridge magnets? The Solenoids plan to conquer the world by
taking control of TV frequencies and playing nothing more than used car ads –
with the occasional interlude of organ music – to bore us all senseless. Even
General G.I. Brassbottom and Underling are concerned at missing "What's My
Line?" Only Roger and his Proton Energy Pill can save 'our country and our
beloved television'.
The Wad
Check out the episode "The Indigestible Wad" on
The Ripping Friends (2001)
Superheroes The Ripping Friends are the self-confessed 'world's most manly
men'. The creation of Spumco maestro John "Ren and Stimpy" Kricfalusi, Crag,
Rip, Slab and Chunk are a little bit 'Super Friends', a little bit professional
wrestling, and a touch Kirk Douglas. Not for them the regulation garb of cape
and cowl. It's bathtub apparel for Crag and a toilet on the head for Rip. But
can they defeat The Wad, the evil bit of chewy hell-bent on sucking all the
moisture from the world by jumping from one mouth to another, leaving a
worldwide trail of dehydrated zombies in its Hubba-Bubba wake? Tune in, turn on
and remember what John K once told the TV Freak: "They hated Ripping Friends.
It was too manly. I'm always at least ten years ahead of everyone else. It's my
curse."
Mr. Flick
Check out the episode "The Mad Movie Maker" on
Batfink (1967)
Another day in the animated world of Hal Seeger, another call from The Chief on
the Hotline to Batfink's split level hillside cave. It's time for Batfink's
second banana Karate to warm up the Battleac – it seems there's a meteor
heading for earth. But wait, no, it's actually the evil trickery of Mr. Flick,
the master of the moving image, who projects scary fake forms giving the
appearance they are real, and in the ensuing panic moves in and starts his
robbing sprees. Flick's great outfit is reminiscent of the old style
photographers who'd duck under the black sheet and peer into the big box to
produce their magic. Batfink and Karate track Mr. Flick down to his hideout, (a
theatre, naturally), but it looks the end for Batfink as he's dropped into a
huge vat of buttered popcorn.
Señor Senior Sr and Señor Senior Jr
Check out the episode "Animal Attraction" on
Kim Possible-The Villain Files (2002)
Is Kim Possible's perfect match really the bumbling Señor Senior Jr? Señor
Senior Sr is an old school villain, the kind who leaves the room after tying
high school cheerleader by day, crime fighter by night Kim Possible to his
cryovator's conveyor belt giving her a better than even chance of escaping. Not
only is Señor Senior Sr voiced by 50s matinee idol and 70s TV legend Ricardo
Montalban (Mr Roarke in "Fantasy Island", circus master Armando in "Escape From
The Planet Of The Apes"), he once admonished his inattentive sunlamp tanned
Caesar-style coiffured budding nightclub impresario of a son Señor Senior Jr
with 'Junior, this is not a party. This is not a disco. This is not fooling
around.' ("Life During Wartime" – Talking Heads) In "Animal Attraction", Kim
must balance retrieving the flash freezing device evil billionaire Señor Senior
Sr has stolen with the obsession that is sweeping Middleton – Animology, a quiz
that determines your personality and life partner.
Riff Raff and Tap Tap the Jeweler
Check out the episode "From Hopeless to Helpless" on
The Underdog Show-Collection 1 - Disc 1 (1965)
Is he a wolf? Is he a fox? Did "AC/DC" write a song about him? Dressed
immaculately like a Prohibition-era Chicago gangster, Riff Raff at least looks
the part. My favourite ensemble is his purple suit with black pinstripes,
combined with the black shirt, red tie, yellow flower in the lapel and the
giant diamond rock on the paw. In comparison, canine crime fighter Underdog,
speaking in Shakespearean rhyming couplets ('When Polly's in trouble, I am not
slow, It's hip, hip, hip, And away I go'), wearing his Supermanesque cape and
lycra (the 'S' on the front replaced by a 'U'), is positively minimalist
fashion wise. "From Hopeless to Helpless" Riff Raff sees enlist Underdog
look-a-like Tap Tap the chiseling diamond cutting jeweler to steal the Hopeless
Diamond. Let's hope local reporter Sweet Polly Purebread is on the case, or at
the very least Underdog remembers 'the secret compartment of the ring I fill,
with an Underdog super energy pill'.
Gargamel and Azrael (and Lord Balthazar and Scruple)
Check out the "Springtime Special" on
Smurfs-Volume 6 (1982)
With his rotten teeth, stooped back and tattered robe, Gargamel is like a
low-rent version of the "Wacky Races" treacherous icon, Dick Dastardly – well,
he is voiced by Paul 'Dick Dastardly' Winchell (also Fleegle in "The Banana
Splits").- even Gargamel's feline offsider Azrael is mangy and flea-ridden
compared to DD's well groomed Muttley. Gargamel and Azrael do share a classic
villainous laugh though – and great dialogue like Gargamel's 'Oooo, those
goody-goody Smurfs make me sick!' countered by the cat's eerie
'Reow-row-row-reowwwww!' In "Springtime Special", Gargamel reunites with his
rich godfather Balthazar and recently expelled from wizard-school nephew
Scruple to ruin the Easter for the Smurfs, enslaving them and exploiting their
talent for making gold. There's probably more chance of this scheme working
than Gargamel's previous ill-fated 'blue magnet' that was meant to attract blue
objects like Smurfs.
The Hood (Agent 79 – "671")
Check out the episode "The Mighty Atom" on
Thunderbirds-Volume 2 (1964)
In a temple deep in the Malaysian jungle hides The Hood, arch nemesis of the
Tracy family and International Rescue. The Hood slinks around the world causing
trouble in his attempts to lure International Rescue to the scene so he can spy
on them and steal their humanity saving vehicles. He even exploits the weird
supernatural psychic powers he has over his half brother Kyrano, the Tracy
family's servant. In "The Mighty Atom", it's 2065 and The Hood, trying to
secretly film an atomic irrigation plant in eastern Australia, sets off an
explosion at the reactor bringing an atomic cloud perilously close to
Melbourne. But it's the 'robot-rat' spy camera he's really after, hence his
diversion. Will Lady Penelope Creighton-Ward's fear of domestic rodents ward
off his sinister plot? The Hood speaks courtesy of Australian legend Ray
Barrett ("Don's Party", "After The Deluge")
Spud the Scarecrow
Check out the episode "Spud the Dragon" on
Bob the Builder-Pilchard Steals the Show (1999)
In my TV world scarecrows are like Worzel Gummidge, not Spud the Scarecrow.
Take a look at Spud's clothing for a start - weird shoes, scary Freddy Krueger
jumper-inspired scarf, dodgy dungarees, a disturbingly large belt buckle, and a
lilac jumper. And check out some of his previous form: attaching a marking
machine to Travis the Tractor who zoomed around town oblivious to the mess he's
making of the roads; whilst Bob was working on the top of Travis the Trailer's
shed, Spud went apple-picking and took the ladder with him, leaving Bob
stranded on the roof of the shed; when Bob found out Muck the Bulldozer was
frightened of the dark, Bob let him stay over at the farm, only for Spud to
make scary noises frightening Muck so much he ran away; when Wendy the Office
Clerk was trying to turn a paddock into a football field, Spud arrived and
kicked a football straight at Wendy's head, causing the line-marking machine
Wendy was using to run amuck. In "Spud the Dragon", Spud 'borrows' a dragon
costume from the school play's props bin to trick Muck and scare Lofty the
Crane. The creep can't help himself. To think kids all over the world go to
sleep at night clutching Spud the Scarecrow dolls.
Scott's previous editorials...